Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.