Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

so weird how every mom was born today

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT