Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

how it started vs how it ended

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

Wait for it

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.