Running from your problems is cardio .
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You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
spicy snake
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My Plans 2020
