Running from your problems is cardio .
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!