Running from your problems is cardio .
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
