Running from your problems is cardio .
You Might Also Like
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
that’s really how it is
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas