[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Coffee is ready.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now