[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
