[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
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much to think about
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell