*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
You Might Also Like
And that about sums it up.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.