[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me when my alarm goes off
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
me and the Superbowl rn
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Covert ops
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation