Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

*power walks to the refrigerator*

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much