Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.