Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Good dog. ❤️
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late