Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!