Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Fruity
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
choose your gary
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you