Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT