Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

🥃

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?