Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.