Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!