[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I hope this email finds you in a well
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.