[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?