Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some