running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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Ad placement of the day
#ooh
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.