running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Teach your children to beatbox
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.