Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

When you kidnap a writer.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

I’m tired tomorrow.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single