Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes