running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.