Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.