Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
me at the job i begged god for
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god