Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
These are so Plastic Man-core
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp