Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
![]()
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
i like to flex on them by shrugging
![]()
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.