Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

I like donuts.

Twitter:

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?