Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑