Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Somewhere in an alternate universe
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
This makes total sense…
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.