Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.