@lordratsquirt

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

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@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

@shkeeber

Nephew: Really?!

Me: Yup! Go for it!

N: *runs into wall*

Me: *takes pic*

N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?

Me: No, we’ll try again later.

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@The_JRM

Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?

[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]

Me: Everyday.

@GarreTheFerret

My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.

@belleykell

It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists

@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@shopkins776

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.