If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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Me: Yup! Go for it!
N: *runs into wall*
Me: *takes pic*
N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?
Me: No, we’ll try again later.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?
[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]
My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.
It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.