Running your mouth is not cardio.
You Might Also Like
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Said the murderer.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.