Running your mouth is not cardio.
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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.