Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.