Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.