*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Too easy.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.