*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.