*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.