Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

This trial is so absurd 😭

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

“you look easy to draw”

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.