Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo