Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

🤣could you imagine

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no