Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

at ease…shoulder.