*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
happy valentine’s day to me
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32