*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.