Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”