Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts