Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

*frowns in Scottish*

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

and this one

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

My wedding will be open casket.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.