Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

happy valentine’s day to me

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

sigh

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate