Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you