Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person