*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb