@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

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@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

@Lemonidas42

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

@rachelle_mandik

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@Mardigroan

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

@ClichedOut

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@C00LpenNAME

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.