*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*