*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
#Caturday
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.