*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
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I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
This is the one
shampoo implies shampee
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider