*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play