*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
mechanics be like
