*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.