*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
spicy snake
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
Good morning
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.