Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.