* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Okey dokey.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.