*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.