*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
You Might Also Like
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?