Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

His flabber was gasted 😂

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.