*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
the Monday after daylight savings
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope