Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Jesus Christ lmao