*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Hmm, not sure about this change
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.