*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
i love meeting boys on tinder
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”