Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.