Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

True statement👍😏😁

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one