Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

This joke is 7 years old

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.